chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, invisible illnesses, loneliness

Great Expectations

Title Great Expectations (1946)

I started this year with enthusiasm, optimism and great expectations. We are now 8 months in and so far the year hasn’t lived up to my great expectations despite me trying my best to make this year count. Maybe I have put too much pressure on myself for 2017 to be the “perfect year”. Lots of good things have happened but for every good thing there has always been a bad thing to match it. I know that the year isn’t over yet but winter is coming and I don’t feel as fulfilled as I hoped I’d be by now.

I set many goals for myself for 2017 and I haven’t reached any of my aspirations but that is OK. Everyone needs something to aspire to. I worry that suffering from a chronic illness has turned me into a complete flake and has made me unable to achieve my goals.

I have decided on to focus on smaller daily tasks instead of setting myself up for too much pressure. Time will tell……..

 

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chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, invisible illnesses, loneliness

A fool for hope

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Every night when I go to bed I go with the hope that tomorrow will be the day that I will feel better and every morning I wake up feeling foolish for having that hope. But I feel that I must have hope otherwise what else is there? ¬†If I don’t have hope I will let chronic illness beat me and I hate to be beaten. I never want to give in.

I have so many plans and goals I want to achieve. But the reality is that they may never be within my reach. I have made a point of setting myself realistic goals, Is it wrong to have hopes and dreams? Or am I just setting myself up for a fall?

Is hope the thief of joy?

I even have hope that I will be well enough to clean and tidy the whole house and make it sparkling, play on the floor with my boys, make my husband his tea. I have hope for the small things in life because they are the most important.

chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, invisible illnesses, loneliness

Lost Confidence 

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When I lost my job I lost my confidence. I always had buckets of it. Losing my confidence is something I have struggled to deal with and continue to struggle with. It’s not just something that you can magic back. My confidence was already lowering as time went on as I dealt with life working whilst I was chronically ill. It has felt like my armour has been taken away and I completely exposed. Make-up used to be a part of my armour but that too has also gone. Putting my face on everyday is too exhausting and it no longer makes me feel protected like I used to.

I no longer feel like a confident mum. My illness has robbed me of that. I can’t be the mum I want to be my illness won’t allow it. I don’t have a “normal” family life. Normal is something I have never aspired to be, but right now I would grab it with both hands if I could swap it for my current reality.

I have put myself out there by taking on new and different things. So far this year I started Roller derby, Volunteering, Learning to drive and next week I will be starting a course at the local college. None of these thing have helped me take my confidence back.

It is hard, really hard not to succumb to these chronic conditions but when they restrict your life in every way possible but what can I do? I am doing all the right things to keep as much of a normal life as I can but nothing is working.

But when your job is gone, your friends are gone and your family life is drastically altered what is left?

chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, invisible illnesses

Goals

goalsI think that it is really important to have goals in life even if you are chronically ill.

My most important goal in life is to be the best mum I can be to my 2 boys. Being a mum when you are chronically ill is challenging. There are a lot of things I want to do with my boys but my illness gets in the way, it gets in the way a lot more than I would like it to. It is extremely important to me that as they grow and get older that they understand why I am not like the “other mums”. At the moment they are to young to fully understand why their mum is different to other mums. I find it extremely upsetting when they ask my why I can’t do certain things. I hope that in the future that I can educate them in the reality of the effects chronic illness.

My second most important goal is to be my own boss and be successful in the career path that I have chosen. It is something that I am working towards and I hope my goal in this is achievable. I have high hopes that my dreams can become reality.

Of course one of my goals is to be “well” again but I know that this goal is something that may never become reality but there is always hope that my health may improve some day. Without hope things are dark, I do have dark days but I always have hope in the background. I don’t just want to be well for myself. I want to be well for my husband and my 2 boys. When I got married I was well and I have changed. My husband has me in health and now he has to deal with me in sickness.

Have goals, write them down. They might not always be achievable but it is something to focus on. I always have a mix of ones I know that I can achieve and ones that I can work towards.

chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, insomnia, invisible illnesses, Uncategorized

Full-time Job

Old concrete wallI haven’t done a blog post in a while. This is mainly due to my health taking a big decline. I am back to being as worse as I have ever been. Being chronically ill is a full-time job, even more so when it is at it peak, and if the world didn’t hate me enough it has made me full of the cold.

My insomnia is chronic, As I write this it is about 4 am and I haven’t slept yet.

The Dr has altered my medication again and it has helped slightly. But with every medication comes side effects and they are making me drowsy and wiped out.

I am trying to look forward and focus on positive things. I am starting an evening class at the local college which runs for 8 week and afterwards you have to study for 3 weeks. I hope that this is achievable. But I know I am just not well enough and I don’t have the brain function to carry out a full-time course.

My husband and I are going away to see Shed 7 in November. I am really excited to get away, catch up with friends,see a band from my youth and spend some alone time with my husband.

So everything isn’t ALL bad. You have to try to look for the positives in life. even if it is something small each day that you are grateful for. It is the small things in life that make the difference.