Sitting at my desk at my new job thinking how strange it feels to be sitting here. I always thought about getting a new job but the right opportunity never came along. Now my circumstances have changed I lost my job due to my health and now I find myself in a new job something I never thought that would happen. I really believed that I would be at my old job until I retired.

I really hope that this job is a new start for me and it leads onto something bigger and better. The past few years have been really bleak now is the time for me to shine.



The grass isn’t always greener on the other side but it can be. I am finding that it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

I spoke to an old work colleague on the street the other day and whilst talking to him I realised that my former employer did me a massive favour. In fact I ought to say thank you to him. Later that day I spoke to my mother about my thoughts and how great I was feeling about my realisation. She quickly made me realise that he didn’t deserve any thanks at all. Then all the hurt and painful feelings came flooding back and smacked me in the face with a big dose of reality.

Getting a new job has been a blessing and something which I am grateful for but I paid a high price emotionally and physically to get here. A feeling of betrayal that will haunt me all my life.

I was I my previous job for nearly 16 years and I was disposed of like trash. People who I thought I knew and trusted broke that trust. I felt used and completely violated. Had my employer had the decency to face me and tell me what was going on I would never have started suffering with anxiety – something that I have never suffered from in my life before but now I have it is something that affects me every day and something that I have to take medication for. By my employer not telling me what was going on my health suffered and being sacked through the letterbox was like a dagger in my heart. I felt completely paralysed with feelings of betrayal and hurt. I never got the chance to be able to look into the eyes of the man who was about to kick me when I was already down. Not only was my job and my income taken away. I was robbed of the chance to face the man whom I had once looked up to, respected and trusted betray me in the most cruel way. There was no opportunity for closure. Until I have this I will continue to carry this heavy weight around with me.




Things can turn around

281e96b6b7df73a320c3d1320fb77b6d--better-days-quotes-good-things-quotesLast week I was offered a job as an admin/project assistant at my local council. It is a temporary post which is only for a couple of months, The contract may be extended and I am hopeful that this happens. I got the job through a local employment agency which will hopefully be able to offer me more employment opportunities in the future.

It has been a long journey to get this opportunity, I have been through some hard times with my health, my friends and losing my job. I deserve something good to happen in my life and I am excited and nervous at the same time. I do not want my health to get in the way of my new job. The great thing is that it is only for a few weeks and after that period I can go back to consentrating on my recovery. I really want this to be something that does me good and gets me back out into the world and leading a normal life instead of spending all my time at home. I never though this moment would come, I am going to grasp this positive moment with both hands and enjoy and make the most of the new skills that I am going to learn. Wish me luck. The tide is changing for me and I am so happy. One door gets slammed in my face and finally another door is opening for me.

chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, invisible illnesses, loneliness

Great Expectations

Title Great Expectations (1946)

I started this year with enthusiasm, optimism and great expectations. We are now 8 months in and so far the year hasn’t lived up to my great expectations despite me trying my best to make this year count. Maybe I have put too much pressure on myself for 2017 to be the “perfect year”. Lots of good things have happened but for every good thing there has always been a bad thing to match it. I know that the year isn’t over yet but winter is coming and I don’t feel as fulfilled as I hoped I’d be by now.

I set many goals for myself for 2017 and I haven’t reached any of my aspirations but that is OK. Everyone needs something to aspire to. I worry that suffering from a chronic illness has turned me into a complete flake and has made me unable to achieve my goals.

I have decided on to focus on smaller daily tasks instead of setting myself up for too much pressure. Time will tell……..


chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, invisible illnesses, loneliness

A fool for hope


Every night when I go to bed I go with the hope that tomorrow will be the day that I will feel better and every morning I wake up feeling foolish for having that hope. But I feel that I must have hope otherwise what else is there?  If I don’t have hope I will let chronic illness beat me and I hate to be beaten. I never want to give in.

I have so many plans and goals I want to achieve. But the reality is that they may never be within my reach. I have made a point of setting myself realistic goals, Is it wrong to have hopes and dreams? Or am I just setting myself up for a fall?

Is hope the thief of joy?

I even have hope that I will be well enough to clean and tidy the whole house and make it sparkling, play on the floor with my boys, make my husband his tea. I have hope for the small things in life because they are the most important.