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Reliving Trauma – Past is a thief when you live in a small place

Trauma is some thing that will stay with you always. Even when you think that you have taken the time to process what you have endured it only takes something small, a moment, a song, a place, a face to hurtle you right back to that place of pain.

Living in a small community you are constantly reminded of your past. There is no getting away or escape from it – you are surrounded. It’s always there serving as a constant reminder. It’s suffocating, claustrophobic, oppressive and anxiety inducing. Everyday I wake up wishing that I lived in a place where a was an unknown face. Instead of waiting with baited breath for my past to come into my present and steal from it. It could be relationships past, mistakes past, friendships past. When you live in a small community your cannot escape your past. In a small community you are your past. Peoples opinions of you are based on nothing but rumour and speculation. With the odd bit of truth thrown in (sometimes)

When you live in a small place your past is always lingering around in your present like an unwanted smell, an uninvited visitor. You will never be far from its clutches and once it clutches you, you have no choice but to stop and give it your time. Past is a thief when you live in s small place.

Instead of your past being a cosy place to return to at leisure, a library of thoughts, memories and moments. Past is a thief when you live in a small place and you have no choice but to relive it. Your past is a thief of your present.

I choose to live day by day. Never looking forward, never looking back. Live for the moment and appreciate your present. If you are not careful it will pass you by and as a wise old friend once told me “When yer deed, yer deed.” Life is short, moments are fleeting, people come and go. Don’t miss out on your present by looking back, don’t miss out on your present by looking forward. Take time to appreciate your present. You may miss it! And never judge someone’s journey, you don’t know the road that they have travelled to get where they are – Be kind.

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The grass isn’t always greener on the other side

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side but it can be. I am finding that a bitter pill to swallow. A big bitter jagged pill. I spoke to an old work colleague on the street the other day and whilst talking to him I realised that my previous employer had in fact done me a huge favour and I thought that I should actually thank him because without him working to have me dismissed due to my health I wouldn’t have landed my new job which I am really enjoying. Afterwards I spoke to my mum about how great I was feeling because I had come to the realisation that I should thank him. But she made me quickly realise that he didn’t deserve any thanks at all. Then suddenly all the hurt and painful feelings came flooding back and smacked me in the face with a dose of reality.

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Am I moving onto great things?

It has been a few months since I wrote my last blog.

My new job has been keeping me occupied and things seem to be changing for me. I finally feel like I am working in an environment where I am appreciated. I no longer work in an environment where I am criticised constantly. It is so refreshing. I am constantly learning new skills and my new employer isn’t scared or unwilling to let me learn/gain these new skills. It is like a completely different world. One where I am actually happy to go to work and I don’t have to feel anxious about the day ahead.

My health is still the same but now I am realising my previous work environment was detrimental to my health and played a big part in my health deteriorating.

I still struggle but I really feel like work has become easier since I changed jobs.Fingers crossed I get a permanent post.

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PROPELLED

Sitting at my desk at my new job thinking how strange it feels to be sitting here. I always thought about getting a new job but the right opportunity never came along. Now my circumstances have changed I lost my job due to my health and now I find myself in a new job something I never thought that would happen. I really believed that I would be at my old job until I retired.

I really hope that this job is a new start for me and it leads onto something bigger and better. The past few years have been really bleak now is the time for me to shine.

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THE GRASS ISN’T ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE –  BUT IT CAN BE

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side but it can be. I am finding that it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

I spoke to an old work colleague on the street the other day and whilst talking to him I realised that my former employer did me a massive favour. In fact I ought to say thank you to him. Later that day I spoke to my mother about my thoughts and how great I was feeling about my realisation. She quickly made me realise that he didn’t deserve any thanks at all. Then all the hurt and painful feelings came flooding back and smacked me in the face with a big dose of reality.

Getting a new job has been a blessing and something which I am grateful for but I paid a high price emotionally and physically to get here. A feeling of betrayal that will haunt me all my life.

I was I my previous job for nearly 16 years and I was disposed of like trash. People who I thought I knew and trusted broke that trust. I felt used and completely violated. Had my employer had the decency to face me and tell me what was going on I would never have started suffering with anxiety – something that I have never suffered from in my life before but now I have it is something that affects me every day and something that I have to take medication for. By my employer not telling me what was going on my health suffered and being sacked through the letterbox was like a dagger in my heart. I felt completely paralysed with feelings of betrayal and hurt. I never got the chance to be able to look into the eyes of the man who was about to kick me when I was already down. Not only was my job and my income taken away. I was robbed of the chance to face the man whom I had once looked up to, respected and trusted betray me in the most cruel way. There was no opportunity for closure. Until I have this I will continue to carry this heavy weight around with me.