chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, invisible illnesses, loneliness

Great Expectations

Title Great Expectations (1946)

I started this year with enthusiasm, optimism and great expectations. We are now 8 months in and so far the year hasn’t lived up to my great expectations despite me trying my best to make this year count. Maybe I have put too much pressure on myself for 2017 to be the “perfect year”. Lots of good things have happened but for every good thing there has always been a bad thing to match it. I know that the year isn’t over yet but winter is coming and I don’t feel as fulfilled as I hoped I’d be by now.

I set many goals for myself for 2017 and I haven’t reached any of my aspirations but that is OK. Everyone needs something to aspire to. I worry that suffering from a chronic illness has turned me into a complete flake and has made me unable to achieve my goals.

I have decided on to focus on smaller daily tasks instead of setting myself up for too much pressure. Time will tell……..

 

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chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, invisible illnesses, loneliness

A fool for hope

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Every night when I go to bed I go with the hope that tomorrow will be the day that I will feel better and every morning I wake up feeling foolish for having that hope. But I feel that I must have hope otherwise what else is there?  If I don’t have hope I will let chronic illness beat me and I hate to be beaten. I never want to give in.

I have so many plans and goals I want to achieve. But the reality is that they may never be within my reach. I have made a point of setting myself realistic goals, Is it wrong to have hopes and dreams? Or am I just setting myself up for a fall?

Is hope the thief of joy?

I even have hope that I will be well enough to clean and tidy the whole house and make it sparkling, play on the floor with my boys, make my husband his tea. I have hope for the small things in life because they are the most important.

chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, invisible illnesses, loneliness

Lost Confidence 

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When I lost my job I lost my confidence. I always had buckets of it. Losing my confidence is something I have struggled to deal with and continue to struggle with. It’s not just something that you can magic back. My confidence was already lowering as time went on as I dealt with life working whilst I was chronically ill. It has felt like my armour has been taken away and I completely exposed. Make-up used to be a part of my armour but that too has also gone. Putting my face on everyday is too exhausting and it no longer makes me feel protected like I used to.

I no longer feel like a confident mum. My illness has robbed me of that. I can’t be the mum I want to be my illness won’t allow it. I don’t have a “normal” family life. Normal is something I have never aspired to be, but right now I would grab it with both hands if I could swap it for my current reality.

I have put myself out there by taking on new and different things. So far this year I started Roller derby, Volunteering, Learning to drive and next week I will be starting a course at the local college. None of these thing have helped me take my confidence back.

It is hard, really hard not to succumb to these chronic conditions but when they restrict your life in every way possible but what can I do? I am doing all the right things to keep as much of a normal life as I can but nothing is working.

But when your job is gone, your friends are gone and your family life is drastically altered what is left?

chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, insomnia, invisible illnesses, loneliness

Putting one foot in front of the other one, one step at a time

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I have just got confirmation that I will be starting the CMI in First Line Management Course that I applied for. It starts in September and I am really forward to it. It runs over 8 weeks. It’s only one night a week with a few weeks of study at the end. I am hopeful that my brain fog will go away for a few weeks so I can put all my effort into it.  It’s not a long course, I thought I would go for something small and see how I get on then maybe move onto something a bit longer and more challenging. Fingers crossed.

I am excited and anxious all at the same time. Already starting to worry if my brain fog will be an obstacle and the added worry of having to self motivate myself to study for 3 weeks. I am not very good at self motivation I never have been. I really could have done a lot better at school if I had applied myself more. I didn’t go to University because I knew I just wouldn’t put the effort in that was needed to study for 4 years. I am optimistic that I will get a thirst for the course I am fairly confident the motivation will come.

This year so far I have completed a marketing course, gained my Personal Licence and now I have this course starting in September. Also in September I am doing a Record keeping course followed by a Business Start up course in November.

I have high hopes that all these thing may lead me onto something good and I am optimistic that my next opportunity may be within my grasp.

chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Fibromyalgia, invisible illnesses, loneliness

One knock too many

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Is it possible to have one knock too many and be beyond repair?

Everyone has their limit. Each person has different limits I compare mine to the same number of lives a cat has I feel like I have had my 7 knocks (lives) But I am young yet. There are many knocks ahead of me.

Someone recommended something to me today and it has really made me think about what they said. So much so it has been gnawing away at me ever since. Not in a bad way, but it a good way. I know what they said is completely right. I don’t think that I have the courage to do what they suggested but I am certainly considering it.

I have had a good long word with myself and reminded myself that I am Thor(a) God of Thunder and the strongest of the Aesir. Time to buck my ideas up, put my mask back on and get out there. I can let all the knocks keep me down. I am Thor!

I have to get back on my feet and face the world like the hard, strong person I have always been. Not like this stranger I have become. Time to resume normal service. Time to find my new place in this world. Time to grow a pair and get on with life. Life is for living and not a rehearsal. As Churchill said “Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”