There is a saying ” The only thing worse than being alone and lonely is being surrounded by people and feeling lonely”. I often think that should be the epitaph on my gravestone. I know that sounds morbid but living a life blighted by chronic illness is pretty morbid. You are on a constant journey of pain and fatigue which never stops and will stay with you for the rest of your life. The sun doesn’t shine very often and life is dark most of the time. You have to search very hard for light whilst surrounded by darkness.
It almost feels like I am living in solitary confinement. As time goes on I feel that I am becoming more at ease with this. I am very much used to my own company even when I am surrounded by people. When I am in a group of people it is almost like they can smell the stench of misery, pain and unease. It is like everyone has a sixth sense that makes them think “Ooh don’t go near her it’s too awkward for us to speak to her, The one that claims that she’s ill but she looks just fine” It was hard for me in the beginning but despite that I put my best smile on and tried to include myself as best I could, pretending like everything was just fantastic. But now, the feeling of loneliness whilst surrounded by people has slowly broken down my I’m happy and everything is fine act. So I no longer engage with people so much and as time goes on I am learning to be happy on my own as the outcast loner. Which is the complete opposite of the pre-Fibromyalgia Thora. Being sociable and seeing my friends was my favourite way to spend my free time. I now have lots of free time with myself in my own company which is wearisome and a world away from the life I used to live.
1 thought on “Solitary Confinement”
I “joke” that the way we have to live is called House Arrest in America and in this country although not put in 24/7 lock down having a tag on controlling ur movements between certain hours is a form of punishment. It’s hard enough to get out for anything other that the obligatory mountain of Drs appointments having to deal with other ppls lack of knowledge, understanding, caring or just being lucky enough to have no concept of what being ill is like is exhausting in itself&often, well is it worth the pyscial and mental effort the 1 day in a thousand u can manage it. Kinda sad fact is it’s only since I’ve started wearing a medical face mask EVERYTIME I leave my flat to protect me from germs and infections that some neighbours/possibly friends have realised oh there is something actually “wrong” with her! She’s not just a dole bum pulling in our hard earned tax money, there MUST really be something bad wrong with her. I’m not shy, I speak about having COPD, all they ever had to do was ask but now I have some visual signiller of being an ill person it’s just that bit different. Now it makes me more accepted by some but less by others. There is literally a no win/win in this situation. Take care honey Dxx
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