There is a saying ” The only thing worse than being alone and lonely is being surrounded by people and feeling lonely”. I often think that should be the epitaph on my gravestone. I know that sounds morbid but living a life blighted by chronic illness is pretty morbid. You are on a constant journey of pain and fatigue which never stops and will stay with you for the rest of your life. The sun doesn’t shine very often and life is dark most of the time. You have to search very hard for the light whilst surrounded by the darkness.
It almost feels like I am living in solitary confinement. As time goes on I feel that I am becoming more at ease with this. I am very much used to my own company even when I am surrounded by people. When I am in a group of people it is almost like they can smell the stench of misery, pain and unease. It is like everyone has a sixth sense that makes them think “Ooh don’t go near her it’s too awkward for us to speak to her, The one that claims that she’s ill but she looks just fine” It was hard for me in the beginning but despite that I put my best smile on and tried to include myself as best I could, pretending like everything was just fantastic. But now, the feeling of loneliness whilst surrounded by people has slowly broken down my I’m happy and everything is fine act. So I no longer engage with people so much and as time goes on I am learning to be happy on my own as the outcast loner. Which is the complete opposite of the pre-Fibromyalgia Thora. Being sociable and seeing my friends was my favourite way to spend my free time. I now have lots of free time with myself in my own company which is wearisome and a world away from the life I used to live.