Anxiety and apologies and guilt

Since I became ill all I seem to do is apologise for my absence, and my unreliability and waste time agonising over small things,  and I feel guilty about almost everything. For some reason, I feel guilty for just living my life as best I can.

I am fatigued and in pain every day. But I suffer from mental pain too. The mental pain is just as restricting if not more restricting than the physical pain. People just don’t understand and never will unless they end up in a similar pair of shoes, and even then everyone copes differently and that can still change daily.

When I was first diagnosed it was a huge relief as finally, I knew I wasn’t going mad or making it all up in my head. Then reality sets in and you realise that there isn’t any magic cure. This is your new life and you have to accept it. Which I just can’t do. I have accepted it mostly but not fully, I never will accept it.

It’s how you cope with it that counts. I would quite happily become a recluse and lay on my sofa all day feeling sorry for myself but that just isn’t me. I am a fighter and a carry-on regardless type of person. But lately, even that has changed.

Unfortunately, I have found out that the act of carrying on as “normal” can only last for so long. Losing my job because of my illness has taken away a lot of my self-worth and confidence and as I said I am a shadow of my former self. My job was the one thing in life that kept me going and it was a big part of my life. I still find it hard to accept being dismissed the way I was.

Chronic illness is a lonely place. The only thing worse than being alone and lonely is being surrounded by people and feeling lonely.

I am at the point where I feel like folk are too quick to judge me. When I was going through the process of potentially losing my job I developed anxiety for a few weeks and with medication, it went away. But unfortunately, things have changed and it is back again with a vengeance. So badly that it is stopping me leave the house. I just want to hide under my duvet all day. I would if I could. If it wasn’t for my 2 sons I would have given up years ago. It is hard being a parent without chronic illness but It’s all the harder when you have a condition that means you are always tired and you can’t be the mum you want to be. I feel like this illness has mugged me of my personality and my Thoraness.