Every morning when I wake up and every night when I am trying to sleep. Thoughts go round and round in my head. One of the many questions I ask myself, what do I do that is actually productive? And each time I have the same answer – Nothing. I still feel this way despite being a wife, a mother of 2 boys, volunteer receptionist at Citizen’s Advice, part of a Roller Derby team, taking some courses at the college. I so desperately want to feel valued, productive and helpful but I NEVER feel any of those things. For nearly 16 years I lived for my job and now that has gone so has my self – worth. Don’t get me wrong I realise how fortunate that I have an understanding patient husband and 2 beautiful healthy children. But for me it’s not enough. That’s why I went back to work after having each of my children. I hope to find another job but I don’t know if my health will let me make the commitment.
So landing in the place that I am is the worse place for me to be. My Dr told me I have the wrong personality type to get this illness as I want to get on with my life and not just waste away the rest of my life lying in my bed or the couch. Sometimes I long to be who I was before I got ill, sometimes I long to be one of those people who give up easily and let the illness takeover, but EVERYDAY I hope, I hope to be well again. I don’t know who I am anymore. The person I once was has been taken away from me.
I am writing this blog for myself, I find it therapeutic. I also write it for other chronically ill sufferers to know that they are not alone. I also want to raise people’s awareness of chronic conditions, Invisible illnesses in particular. People need to be educated – Not all illnesses are visible.