How is this for irony? You suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and you can’t sleep! Whatever evil created this illness must have thought they were pretty smart. I struggle to wake up in the mornings, tired by lunchtime, dying from fatigue by 3 pm begging to go to bed at 5 pm stay up for my children so I can BE a mum and put them to bed and then comes 9 pm click! Just like the flick of a light switch, my brain becomes active and I cannot sleep. Yes, I have tried it all, warm baths, warm drinks, no caffeine, no screens, and exercise. meditation, sleep hypnotherapy you name it I have done it. The extra sprinkle of irony on top is that I am IMMUNE! YES IMMUNE to sleeping tablets. How awesome is that? This chronic illness has done a number on me. For some reason, I have a ridiculously high tolerance to any drug I am given. Doesn’t mean I get a stronger dose you understand I just have to suffer more. What’s more shit on top of more shit anyway? just shit.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a sleep-snatcher creature flying over my shoulder pinching my Zzzzzz time. Sleeping during the day for me is no problem if I have the opportunity. I don’t mind sleeping during the day it just means that I have no life. I have 2 boys to look after too so I can’t be sleeping all day long.
Some days I try to convince myself that I am living in hell, this is temporary and tomorrow just might be the day. Ah, who am I kidding that is bullshit. The truth is I go to bed every night thinking oh fuck I have to go through the same ordeal tomorrow as I did today or worse. The longer this rattles on the more I think positive thinking is overrated. That stupid, ugly, uncomfortable, ill-fitting dress that doesn’t suit me is never going to come off. I’m just not going to accept that, it doesn’t mean I feel positive or negative I am just ambivalent.