There are 3 things I value most in any relationship, friendship or acquaintance that I have and that is loyalty, honesty and respect. As long as I can remember I have always had these 3 values deeply rooted inside me. My family taught me respect. I learned about loyalty and honesty the hard way.
Ask yourself, Who are you really truly honest with? Yourself? Your family? Your friends? Your colleagues? Your partner? My chronic illness journey has forced me to be more honest and when I say honest I mean reveal more, take my guard down and not pretend so much that things are “fine”. My family brought me up not to have feelings and if you do, not to show them. I was brought up the hard, stiff upper lip way. I used to really admire that way of life and I actually wish that I could keep that pretence up. I felt safer and less vulnerable when I acted that way like I was protected with a suit of armour. I want so desperately to go back to being hard and hiding my true feelings. But my inner demons won’t allow it.
Sometimes I feel like driving somewhere quiet where no one can hear and just scream at the top of my lungs as hard as I can to release all the hurt and betrayal that weighs so heavy inside my soul. But I am not actually sure if that would make me feel any better.
What is the solution? The only solution I can see is to put my mask back on and go back to living my double life. My public life and my private one. Just like celebrities do, only a lot less glamorous. I really do feel like more than one person. I realise that I may sound like I have Multiple personality disorder or Schizophrenia but that’s not the case. There is the sick me, the well me, the public me and the private me. Aren’t we all built this way? Don’t we all mould ourselves to fit in with our surroundings? Does it make us dishonest or are we simply protecting ourselves?