Slowly slowly, bit by bit I have lost many things over time since I became ill. I can’t blame the illness for it ALL but what I can say is something this major and life changing has effected me as a person. What person wouldn’t be effected? It’s not fair, but as my parents always told me as a child “Life is not fair” I hated them saying it at the time but it is one of the most wise things they ever taught me.
Every part of the Thora you knew is still there I am STILL here I am just jaded and deeply effected by my life being turned upside down. I feel like this whole journey has opened my eyes to the world, people and the suffering of others. I feel like I can read people more deeply than I ever did and I feel more empathetic towards people than I ever thought possible. But unfortunately the same empathy hasn’t always been shown towards me. I realise now that you can’t expect people to treat you the way that you treat them, that’s simply impossible. All you can do it be the best person that you can be and process what is given back to you. It is hard, harder than before because whilst you are dealing with the loss of your former self, your former life, you former good health, your former friends, your former job you expect a degree of empathy from others. What I discovered is that you should never come to expect anything from anyone. It is like when I was in my early twenties and I realised that not everyone is a nice person. That was a hard lesson, which left me feeling like a stupid young girl. I really thought I was grown up and mature for my age but looking back I wasn’t. I grew up quite sheltered and I truly thought if you treat someone nicely and with respect you get it back. But as we all know that does not happen. I am glad it is a lesson I learned myself though.
Would it be depressing if I made a list of the things I have lost since I became unwell? I’m not sure. They weigh heavy on my shoulders and it might feel good to offload. Would people understand? I’m not sure. People may understand me more. But I honestly feel I will never be truly understood. I feel that for others it is easier to avoid me than understand me.