I know that I have touched on this a bit already but I haven’t really let go of my “old self” I don’t think I ever will. Not while the ghost of her constantly sits on my shoulder whispering in my ear “The old you would have done this….” The old you would have said this……….” , “If you were the old you they would have treated you like this…………” “Why can’t you be the old you?”
Being ill has taught me a lot about myself and about others. It’s opened my eyes fully, more fully than I ever thought that they could be. On one hand it has given me incredible insight into knowledge about how people’s minds work and on the other hand it has helped to cruelly twist the knife further than I thought that it could be twisted. By far the cruellest part is finding out who your real friends are. I thought I had a few true friends. Turns out I don’t. Which by the way is extremely painful. . Having people one-by-one just drift away. It’s not just painful when you realise who is there for you and who isn’t. Each new day the ghost of the “old me” will whisper “Remember when you used to be good friends with……” Remember how close you and……… used to be?” All I feel now is isolated, I feel like a big rock on the middle of the sea constantly getting battered and worn by the elements, Relentlessly.
I miss the “old me” but then I realise I must have been living a false life. Because if it had been real I would still have all my friends and my work would have fought to keep me my job. So really when I think about it my old life was fake. Maybe some folk only liked the “old me” and the “new me” they find unpalatable for some reason. I do my best performance when I am in public nearly at all times. Paint the smile on, do my best to have a laugh and be fun but for some reason this illness has not only changed me but people’s attitudes towards me. Maybe I should ask? What’s changed? Why am I all of a sudden not important to you anymore? But deep down I already know the answer and I actions speak louder than words and that now more than ever has never been so true.