Every day I am restricted and limited. I can’t be the Mum I want to be, I can’t be the wife I want to be, I can’t be the friend I want to be. I can’t be the person I used to be. I can’t attend the 4 opportunities of Derby training I want to do. My body just won’t let me. I am extremely stubborn and my mind and body are in a constant battle with each other. My body always wins. Before I became ill my mind told my body what to do regardless. Now it is the complete opposite. When I look at myself in the mirror I don’t know the person staring back at me, she is a stranger.
I do my best to stay positive but it is HARD. I know wallowing in self-pity doesn’t help so I try not to go there too often.
I get beauty treatments done every 4-6 weeks and my hair is coloured too. All in the vain hope that it will make me feel better. It doesn’t. It still gives me some time to myself and my beauty therapist and hairdresser are both fantastic at their jobs and always make me feel happy when I see them.
I try to seek happiness as much as I can. It is something I will never truly have unless a magic cure comes out and I get to be the old me again. I miss her, I mourn her. Because she has gone and is never coming back.
I try to find happiness in the small things in life. Each day I reflect at the end of the day and try and write down something positive that happened that day.
I do my very best to accept the sick me but I don’t want to accept it. Like I said I am stubborn. Without me being stubborn my life would be spent in bed or on the couch. So I get up every day and fight, fight to have a life. I do it for me, my husband and my children. But fighting in itself is draining.
Being restricted is not something I want, it is like having someone I don’t want in my life. I just have to get along with it regardless.