chronic fatigue, Chronic illness, Chronic pain, Fibromyalgia, life lessons

Let go

Orkney Fibromyalgia Sufferer

Today, I Choose to Let Go. I must remind myself every day. “Let them go, Thora, Let them go”.

I choose to let go of the people who have already let go of me. “But you love them Thora, yes I do and that’s why I must let them go”. They let go and left me hanging. I held on by my fingernails. My desperation only pushed them away further.

I choose to let go of the people who make me overthink, doubt myself, and question my worth.

Letting go isn’t easy, but holding on to what no longer serves me is even harder.

I’ll miss them. I always miss them. That’s the painful reality of being one of life’s givers. I’m not supposed to stay in people’s lives. I’m treated like a hospital and sick people don’t stay in hospital once they’re better.

I choose to let go of relationships that drain me.

Today, I choose peace. I choose healing. I choose me

But letting go is hard. This is why I must adopt this as a daily practice. It’s not easy for some of us to let go. Especially when we’re triggered into one of our survival responses. It’s not our fault, past trauma can an activate fight, flight or freeze response. It’s not something we choose its something our subconscious chooses for us. We can’t just talk ourselves out of it. It takes inner work and self reflection. It’s not automatic we have to forge new safer pathways in our brain and it may take several attempts to get it to stick. I’m back at ground zero and have been for a year or more.

There’s light at the end of the tunnel where there once was complete darkness. A heavy, grey fog of existence. It’s time for Thor to thrive and leave the Thor living to exist behind. They say that when you hit rock bottom the only way is up. I disagree. Rock bottom has many layers. As I write this I am visualising scraping the dirt which engulfs me 1cm closer to the surface, closer to the light. Like a mole searching its way to the surface. I too will make it back to ground level with the rest of you 💜

And not forgetting this…🤭

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Published by Orkney Fibromyalgia Sufferer

I have suffered with FND, Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS for over a decade. In this blog I write about living with chronic illness and island life in Orkney.

9 thoughts on “Let go”

  1. Such a great post – it’s a constant battle for me – on the one hand, no nervous person ever got better by being told to “chill out” – on the other hand, I’m unlikely to sooth my frazzled nervous system if I don’t try to calm it down. It’s not a choice to be frazzled, but it is to try to practice modes of living that calm it down. Thanks for the shout out that it’s not our fault. (chronic migraine) Linda xx

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      1. I think it all goes hand in hand – who we are, how we act, who we attract, how we handle it – it’s all a bit of a chicken and egg conundrum… but at least you’re aware of it, so that’s a giant step-leap forward! Have a wonderful weekend, and here’s hoping it’s as pain free as possible for both of us! Linda xx

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  2. oh you! See you are more than you think you are, you’re worth way more than you think you are! Over the years I’ve lost friends, gained new ones, regained old ones & lost them again. Point is, we live in a world that’s all about how many followers. Know what, i honestly don’t care, i don’t even know. Some ppl end up obsessed they need to check out each & everyone of, as they perceived it, a „rival’s” followers. They need to grow up!

    there’s a reason families tend not to work above 5 kids. Same as if you’re dividing kids into small groups, 5 or 7, never even numbers! Although it’s the sort of stuff you’re never formally taught in teacher training, it’s one of those intuitive things that’s the difference between a might just survive & one that has the confidence to control the situation, regardless what you call it.

    why does it matter? Circles of friends! You may have heard of that before. The inner circles are small & tight, 2 or 3 in total maybe you, partner & a bff that you can sound of to about anything but agree that they’ll never spill anything to the other, everyone needs an out, someone safe who won’t breathe a word, not even a physical reaction. The other has the same. 2 sets off overlapping 3’s (again odd – it’s about power dynamics) 4’s Will break into 2 x 2’s & destroy everything so you actively, i know it’s a horrible word but „groom” your bff to be that external rock for you. Maybe you are for them in their inner 3. That’s the closest you’ll ever have. {It’s also the reason that some close friendships of 2 couples work with very tight bonds, they’re most probably bff’s to each other anyway. Also, there’s unspoken secrets that you know they know but never need discussing because everyone’s cool about it} Then there’s maybe a 5-9, your „family” not quite as close but still ppl you know well & trust & them you. Outside of them is another ring. Bigger again but by definition, less intimate. They know less, have less contact but that’s why they start to be the floaters, they may be in many, many, outer rings, again by definition you can’t be in every ring.

    call the inner ring a 10, the next out (5-9) 8 points, the next maybe 9-15, 6 points, 15-19, 4 points, & So on. The further out you are, the less points you carry, maybe less valuable they may feel but they do have a skill that’s valuable to you. So you can affect the dynamic by promoting / demoting individuals. But the outer rings are often the ones that bring new ppl in. When you straddle the real & virtual worlds, it can be easy for others to misread the situation, I can be a follower to this influencer. They’re not interested in any meaningful relationship but what they can get for themselves. They can be hard to spot. Parasites no one wants in their circle!

    so those floaters will fly from one group to another! As it’s a distant, tenuous link, one click & you’re a friend! But what Zuckerberg et al think a Friend is, they do & you do are all different things! How do you determine who someone is? Mostly harmless or many arms? Sometimes you do need to have a little poke around, or have someone you trust, i.e. 1st 2 circles do it. You just get that vibe! TBH, the bad eggs in any circle, unless they’re nut jobs, will fall away of their own accord if they’re not getting what they want, no one’s going to let them get close to you. Again, that’s how you know which friend you want around you & they’ll self sort each of maybe levels 2-4 (1, your inner sanctum will always be a private thing where 1 of the 3 joins by virtue if their status, it’s automatic & if they’re there, it’s because they can be trusted. Like military units, everyone has each others back. You know who you can rely on to drag you out when it gets a bit too close for comfort or equally, the medical stuff kicks in & you lose it. You know they’ll sort it all out for you! Trust, again. Those positions are earned because you don’t want just anyone covering your 6, they know which drink, lippie, where your spare this n that are lurking. You don’t need to ask that they & before you finish thinking the sentence {watch your drink whilst you pop to the loo}, they just take it, no word spoken, & shop you off, they’re your bodyguard. Those are the friends that you only ever lose feet first. & Few will date audition for it either! Again, I’m sure you know all this, just maybe never thought about it as such. It’s all about social dynamics that the closer in the friends are „bigger” & take up „more space & time”, because they matter more, as you go out, each ring becomes bigger, the occupants shrink a little so they can move about a bit more freely. (If this is all beginning to sound a bit strangely familiar, look at y9 chemistry notes on atomic structure!) The further out, the less the force of attraction is so the more these ppl float & whilst still friends, you may not even realise if someone says “oh, z’s moved to Australia you know” you look a bit vacant, it’s that friend definition thing again, where they saw themselves as being maybe worthy. You look them up, they were in an outer ring & yes you barely heard of them but, ok publicly you nod, inwardly you still ask, „who? Along with the funny faces” don’t give yourself a headache thinking about it! Then, if you remember things like carbon, very specific what it „bonds (makes friends with)” & there’ll only be 4, well, unless it’s feeling particularly social, when it changes mode to 6 (2 double & 4 single, slightly more distant links) or maybe ethylene, now there’s a doozy, a triple bond so you get 3 arms each so you both have 6 arms, as you can imagine that’s quite a tight bond. Can be explosive to because it’s so tight, atomically speaking, as well as in real life, in each others shoes. Great if you really get on, but it’s why Ethylene is used in welding, a big bang, lots of energy released when there’s a bust up & even when it’s good times. You’re not going to get that with someone out in the 7 th ring, freezing their butt off in outer space!

    hope you see what I’m trying to say is the ppl you really need to worry about you needing to move are any inner ones that have self promoted themselves, mid ones that may be disruptive (by commission or commission) & that’s where your „protective forces” step in & deal with them & won’t worry you about it & the outer ones who can usually be blown away with a gentle breeze!

    so these things have a habit of working themselves out! In nature it’s the same, any colonies can spread rapidly, to stop getting on each others’ toes, a faction naturally breaks & creates a baby annexe with a new queen (a male will detect the female pferemone & of it’s weak enough, morph into a female that now stays put in that spot. So they’re related but separate, having your brother’s family next door, you don’t visit as you know there’ll be fights but you’ll look out for each other if you’re under attack!

    Bees do it to, they may relocate a new colony to the far end of that lovely smelly, hideously bright UV rape seed field whilst your bro stays in the old place. Because families, & friend circles do grow & have a habit of shedding ppl. Humans of course have a few extra rules bees don’t need to worry about. But i hope you see the general principle. The vibe gets round the tree’s being shaken, some fall & go, others climb back in, some you need to grab before they get swept away.

    you should never worry about these things! Remember the are some groups you can never escape; „small town syndrome”. You know what i mean the kid who used to be at the front of your maths class farts (a decade later by now) in the local pub. I guarantee you you’ll know before he gets home! (No names req & i hope I’ve not embarrassed anyone!) & There’ll be a photo of your lucky too! You’ll know what their takeaway was, even if you’re the other end of the island & they won’t be shocked at all if you ask how the their chow mein was! School or uni or great groups are the US equivalent. But it’s similar principles. In my case because I’ve travelled so much, speak other languages, had to be self sufficient all those years, you’ll find wet form groups that spread all over the world. The inner rings will clash with the outer ones (ppl you knew but know it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever see again) virtually all my friends are elsewhere in the world given i lived abroad as well as work in an international co that depends on knowing someone locally who can fix that little problem for you …. That’s your bread & butter! A bit of chit chat, listen i need to ask a favour, you heard of this parcel, no ….., yeah, wtf are customs doing, i smell a rat. Leave it with me mate, I’ll sort it, next eve you get a call back, your sissy senses were bang on, controlled delivery about to happen, then we’ll update. Ok, no notes but I’ll pass a verbal round in case he calls! You become a right circle because of the nature of what you do & the rules are very different. Some you continue to know after, there’s one friend now back in the US, she went back in 2010 (i think🫣) we lost touch for a bit rediscovered each other & talk a little each wk. We have common friends from DHL she & i don’t have contact with, others are silent mutual friends, we read & give the did she …. Yep! Oh not saying anything 🫣! Nor am i! What happened, to who? No idea who that it is! Type conversations! & Remember, we need ppl like that in our circles too, they’re a valuable safety valve & you learn stuff you joke about but same time you’re doing a msg to x wanting to check that out as it’s no laughing matter!

    same ppl with a different perspective are good for the soul. Those in my circles, who’ve travelled the world, understand different cultures give you a real inside perspective on stuff. Thing happens in Vienna (we’re talking in German) i instantly get the slant on it, after all, used to live there! Useful! You want to go on holiday, they’re the sort of person that can get you from a to b the fastest, knows where to get the cheapest tickets, will explain the transport system to you …. So instead of wandering around like a bemused foreigner, you blend in perfectly & are a local by virtue of that friend! They may well be useful if you can just forget the bad jokes! They’ll haunt you forever!

    So, honestly, don’t worry about it. If someone’s moving wish them good riddance (sorry, slip of the pen there, good luck i meant, totally good luck! {Was it the Titanic they booked a cabin on? 🤔🫣})

    sometimes changes can be seismic, one goes, masses of others follow, who knows, but it might be the cleanser you need! Just stand by the side of the road, net those you want back & use a tranquilliser gun if they make to much noise! Keep it light & such movements won’t ever be a threat.

    So don’t panic about it, it’ll all come out in the wash, you might need the odd extra spin cycle for some! Hope that all makes it feel less of a burden, it’s no more than a tree shedding its leaves in autumn to come back looking even finer next spring!

    Kyle.

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