The person you see on the left is the image you see when I’m in public.
The person on the right is what I look like when I am at home.
The person on the right is the person I try so desperately not to be.
I lie to myself every time I leave the house looking “normal”. Underneath the makeup, big smile and smart clothes the real me is hiding underneath. A woman with multiple invisible illnesses. Pale-skinned with frazzled hair. Dressed in pyjamas. Longing to go back to bed and stay there. Longing to retreat from the outside world entirely. I feel like two people. To participate in life I must pretend to be someone else. Desperately I try to cling on to the pre-chronic illness person I was. Losing myself more and more as the years go by. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t know who I am. Unable to recognize either version. Healthy people might say “You don’t have to put so much effort into your appearance, don’t be so vain” For me being vain doesn’t come into it. I like to look my best but who doesn’t? I put the effort in to make myself feel good inside and to try and trick my brain and body into feeling good.
It takes an enormous amount of mental and physical energy just to get out of bed in the morning. I get little sleep, sometimes none at all. Fibromyalgia sufferers don’t experience restorative sleep. We wake up feeling more tired than when we went to bed. My first thought when the alarm clock goes off is “How many hours until I can be back in my bed?” 🤔
Both these women have something in common. Both are judged on their appearance. The woman on the left must have the perfect life and have no stress or problems in her life. The woman on the right is lazy, doesn’t make an effort with her appearance and is faking being ill. Neither of these judgements is true. Nobody knows what it takes for someone to get out of bed in the morning and function like their life is perfect when it is not. Nobody fakes being unwell or disabled. People fake being well and having a picture-perfect life with no problems. Nobody wakes up one day and goes, “I know, from now on I am going to pretend to be chronically ill”. I am going to tell everyone so I get sympathy and attention. Healthy people won’t know this but the irony is the last thing you get when you become chronically ill is sympathy and attention. People’s patience levels are extremely low. After a few weeks, you will be subjected to judgment and ridicule when you don’t miraculously get better. We all know this so why be small-minded when it comes to invisible illness? It’s quite simple, be kind. Don’t be so quick to judge. If you don’t understand someone’s condition, ask! If you don’t want to ask, get on the mobile phone you spend hours of your day on and take 5 minutes to educate yourself. We all have busy lives. 5 minutes isn’t too much to ask. Or is it? Sadly for the majority of people, it is.
Which one are you? Or are you both? 🖤
Orkney Fibromyalgia Sufferer 