It used to feel raw

It used to feel raw. Now I have processed it all. I feel indifferent.


lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

“she shrugged, feigning indifference”

Indifference is a new place for me and boy does it feel good, and comfortable like a big cosy oodie.

It took me years to get here, and now I am here I have decided to stay. It’s no longer a place to visit, admire or dream of. It’s my utopia.


a place of ideal perfection especially in laws, government, and social conditions. : an impractical scheme for social improvement.

How did I get here?

By undertaking gargantuan amounts of soul-searching. I took the time to get to know myself. Getting to grips with who I really am has given me a good grounding in which to understand others, the people around me and the acquaintances of old. I use writing as a means of catharsis. It’s a powerful tool to use and it’s far cheaper than a therapist. Less time-consuming too. I suppose that makes writing more efficient in a way.

I am an empath and an overthinker, a deep one at that. Every evening, late at night when everyone else is sleeping, I pick apart every minutia of my day. Once I have done that. Back to my past, I go to analyse a situation I may not have processed at the time. Probably because it was too raw and I was incapable of confronting the emotional impact of it at the time. Either through naivete or inexperience, I blocked out everything that I could. Even the most painful of engagements I had encountered. Anything difficult or confronting. I had a filing system for situations like these. I used to put them in an imaginary box, put it on an imaginary shelf and push it way back. As far back as it could go. Which turns out to be a very toxic coping method. After many years the imaginary shelves became so full that the boxes began falling down. Unfortunately, I realise now that storing up emotions like this is not healthy, physically or mentally.

It’s taken me at least six years of me on my own, getting to know myself to get me to my utopia, this place called indifference

I am comfortable with who I am and with how I treat people. I make no apologies for that.

I have a good heart, I am a gentle soul. I treat people how I would like to be treated. I have no time for nastiness or callousness.

I remain kind, true to myself no matter what situation I am in. I no longer entertain people who dim my light or want to blow it out. After all, blowing my light out won’t make yours shine any brighter.

Kindness costs nothing, nor do manners and I have them in equal measure. I have learned to be more kind than I ever thought possible, to give it freely, never expecting anything in return.

I’ve found that as you get older, you care less. You no longer sweat the small stuff. This enables you to reach an awesome level of freedom. A place of choice, whether to let someone bring you down or to walk away. Leaving them to languish in their own self-pity.

Over time I have learned to adapt the way I react to difficult people and situations. I’ve realised that some people you just can’t get through to. But more importantly, I now know how to react. I have the power over whether I allow the actions of someone else to affect me. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Meaning you can do everything in your power to help someone or try to enable them. You can literally hand them the tools and show them how to use them but if they don’t want to pick them up, they will never learn how to use them. Sure they might pick them up, and attempt to use them in their own way, that may work. But if they don’t attend the training or read and follow the instructions, they will never use those tools to their full potential.

My old boss and mentor used to say “you must cuddle the hedgehogs” I always took this to mean that you have to cuddle the prickly (difficult) people because they are the ones who needed it the most.

Over time I have realised that you can cuddle hedgehogs all you want, you still won’t get through to them.

I researched the saying that my old mentor told me and discovered the following:

Arthur Schopenhauer wrote this metaphor to describe what he considers to be the state of the individual in relation to others in society. The hedgehog’s dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships.

  1. Understanding what your people are truly passionate about.
  2. Identifying what they do better than anyone else.
  3. Determining where it’s good at generating revenue.

My interpretation of the hedgehog concept from my mentor’s point of view is that it’s the secret to uncovering what makes your employees or people tick.

It can also be used from a personal point of view.

It’s a useful tool to use as part of your self-discovery. Find what makes YOU tick. It WILL unlock a door to your happiness. Perhaps you will find YOUR utopia.


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